Maybe it just me, but something seems terribly amiss when a 12th century tale of jousting begins with “We Will, We Will Rock You” being chanted by an audience of mostly illiterate peasants. And while my therapist and common sense dictates that I should have gone with my uneasiness and left the theatre while I had the change, I decided to suck it up and watch the remainder of the movie.

Sitting there, annoyed by teeny boppers who, thanks to 10 Things I Hate About You have a strong potential of stalking Heath Ledger, I very slowly endured a good two hours of a Medieval Jousting Comedy, and now I think I have a brief inkling of what being stuck out in the stocks (a particular torture that makes not one but two cameos in the movie).

But alas, I’m getting ahead of myself in my urge to tell you to avoid this movie like the plague. Based on the incredibly vague promotions and overtly Freudian tagline (“He Will Rock You”), you probably have very little clue what the hell the movie is about.

William (Ledger) is a lowly squire who, finding his master dead by a tree, opts to joust in his place. Thrilled by his first victory, William decides that its time to train to be a knight – a feat accompanied by none other than a funk soundtrack – and somehow manages to recruit Geoffrey Chaucer to help him doctor the papers of William’s noble alter-ego, Ulrich von Lichtenstien. Toss in a romantic subplot with an actress that looks good, seems to lack talent, and has absolutely no name (A Knight’s Tale is her first role) that you’ll need to remember (it’s Shannyn Sossamon, if you really have to know).

Toss in our resident Joquain Pheonix knock off (Rufus Sewell, sharing both the hairdo and charm of Commodos) and we have a full-blown rip off of Gladiator on our hands. And while in this critic’s opinion this isn’t really a noble goal, A Knight’s Tale can’t attain even that level of mediocrity.

With lines like “Bed Him Well,” and a portrait of Chaucer as more of the MC/pimp of the arena than anything else (he even says to himself “Damn I’m good” once or twice, and makes up a tune about Ulrich that I darn not repeat lest I electrocute myself as my vomit lands on my laptop), A Knight’s Tale’s only real charm comes in the fact that it is idiotically laughable (?when else outside of a Mel Brooks movie do you watch a crowd of peasants do the wave?) and, to varying degrees, postmodern. And while the vague suggestion of inspiration for “Canterbury Tales” lies somewhere within this glam rock version of a class struggle might be enough to get certain esoteric assholes through the running time of A Knight’s Tale, it was drowned out by the dribble in my case.

Hell, it’s a jousting movie that ends with ACDC’s “You Shook Me” – the only other anachronism left in this is for Prince Edward to bring out some turntables and start spinning Daft Punk. But wait, I shouldn’t say that… it might find its way into the even more idiotic sequel.


Recommended:
No

Suitability For Children: Suitable for Children up Ages 8